How Soon Can You Have Your Bags Packed for Milan?

I have good news. First, I’m putting up a new post, so that crappy one I wrote about Berlin (you don’t have to be nice, I know it sucked) is no longer at the top. In my defense, I had the flu and wasn’t in a cheery mood when I wrote it. Second, if Milan is an indicator of what upcoming fashion is going to be, then people from the West Coast are total trendsetters. For the first time since leaving the US, I saw crowds of people – Italian people – wearing running shoes. And the mannequins in shop windows were wearing Lee jeans. All this time I thought I dressed like this because I’m cheap and the clothes are comfortable, but it turns out I was just way ahead of the style curve.

To the casual observer, it may seem I have a bit of a footwear fetish, since I’ve mentioned shoes multiple times. I just want to clarify: ask any experienced traveler and they’ll tell you that looking at people’s shoes is the fastest way to tell where they’re from. So that’s why I notice what people put on their feet.

My plan wasn’t originally to go to Milan this weekend. I had plane tickets and everything and was all set to fly to Marrakesh. Unfortunately, the aforementioned flu struck with a fury and I couldn’t make it further than down the hall, so another continent was out of the question. Since I got sick, it spread to six of the nine other people on my floor and two people on another floor and has become known as “Joel Seaton’s Revenge,” though I continue to blame the Germans. I came down with it the day after I got back from Berlin, so, as Michael Scott would say, the timing was nothing short of predominant. As soon as I was more or less better, though, I looked up places I could go for a weekend and found Milan. About 48 hour elapsed between when I decided to go there and when I arrived. I think that’s a new personal record for spontaneous travel.

Admittedly, I’m always pretty close to having an 80’s song stuck in my head, but in Milan I kept singing Devo’s “Beautiful World” to myself. “Beautiful people everywhere/The way they show they care/Makes me want to say/It’s a beautiful world/For you/It’s a wonderful time to be here/It’s nice to be alive/Wonderful people everywhere/The way they comb their hair/Makes me want to say/It’s a wonderful place.” I got in at about 8 in the morning, which, apparently, is much earlier than Italians get up. There are certain things you just have to do in Italy, so I started the day with a cappuccino. In Italy, they’ve combined the coffee shop and the pub, so the espresso machines are located right next to the taps. If Starbucks ever needs to expand its global domination even further, I think that’s the move they should make. And they should serve the beer in the same paper cups so you could sneak them out on the street.

The center of Milan is The Duomo, the third-largest church in the world. This is one of those occasions where words fail me, so all I can do is direct you to my photos. I managed to take a good number before security grabbed me and said I wasn’t allowed to use my tripod. A dumb rule, if you ask me, but Italy is where Fascism was invented, after all.

Milan is also home to da Vinci’s The Last Supper, the one where Jesus obviously said, “everyone who wants to be in the picture, get on this side of the table.” Unfortunately, there’s a two-week waiting list to see it. Two freaking weeks. I blame Dan Brown. Seriously, the book wasn’t even that good.

Fortunately, there’s another museum – the Pinacoteca Ambrosiana – which isn’t nearly as crowded and has a bunch of famous pieces, like Madonna of the Canopy, Basket of Fruit, School of Athens, and da Vinci’s Portrait of a Musician. Next time you see a print of Titian’s Adoration of the Magi, look at the bottom of the painting, slightly left of center. What the hell is that?

As mentioned in my last post I felt the need to buy some article of clothing in Milan so that, if anyone ever compliments me on it, I can say “oh, I got it in Milan” while I stare off over the person’s right shoulder in a disinterested manner. My book recommended a place called Il Salvagente, sort of a Sample Sale (for those of you from Gig Harbor) of Milanese fashion. I suppose the discounts were good, but when a jacket is marked down from 1100 Euros to 400 Euros, it’s really just varying degrees of “Jesus, you have got to be kidding me. No way. No… effin’… way.” Instead, I found a street market and bought some shirts there. Hey, they’re from Italy and that’s all I needed.

Ich Bin Ein Donut

If you don’t get the joke in the title, just trust me when I say it’s funny. Hopefully it will help when I explain that my most recent trip was to Berlin.

First off, I feel a bit lost in my travels now. The night train which I loved so dearly has stopped running from Copenhagen for the year. Apparently that’s just a summer thing. Now, I’m stuck taking the train during the day like a sucker.

Berlin was my first experience seeing Germans eat something besides bratwurst, so it was nice to have my horizons broadened a bit. I got in at 4 (which, sadly, meant I was quickly running out of daylight) and found my dorm. I didn’t realize until I checked in that the “dorm” bed I had booked wasn’t in a typical 6- or 8-person room. No, this was a military-style 45-person dorm room. It probably would have sucked if there were more than five of us staying there. As it stood, though, we all had tons of space. Hooray for traveling in the off-season.

I used what little daylight remained (and then some) to walk around and explore the part of the city near the hostel. Luckily, that’s the historic part. More than anything, it gave me a bit of perspective so I could plan the most for the next two days. What a novel concept: planning my time in a city I’m visiting. Perhaps I’ll try this in the future, as well.

I woke up early the next day to go to the Reichstag. I mentioned my democracy nerddom a few weeks ago and, to someone like me, the Reichstag is particularly interesting. For one thing, Hitler burned it down and blamed the Jews, then used the state of emergency to seize control. Second, it’s right on the old Berlin Wall. Third, there’s a glass dome on top that, being one of the highest things in the city, has some beautiful views. That last thing has nothing to do with history, but it’s still pretty cool. The book said to arrive early to avoid long lines. This is somewhat true. There are lots of people, but saying Germans are capable of forming a line is giving them a bit too much credit. I guess after so many years of totalitarian rule, they don’t want to do anything in an orderly manner. I can’t say I totally blame them, but I still don’t like people pushing in front of me.

From there, I continued on what is, no doubt, the most ambitious one-day walking tour I have ever done. In addition to Brandenberger Tor, Checkpoint Charlie, Bebelplatz, and Berliner Dom, I happened across an outdoor Holocaust memorial – a large, sunken area with big stone pillars, so once you start walking through, you can’t really see where you are or easily find the way out. Remember the Seinfeld where Jerry and his girlfriend get caught making out in the theater during Schindler’s List? Well, I startled a couple who had obviously been inspired by that episode.

The tallest building in Berlin is Fernsehturm, a TV tower built to show off the East’s technological superiority. The irony, of course, is that they hired a bunch of Swedes to build it. The Swedes, of course, are smart and clever enough to not waste this opportunity. See how the reflection of the sun sort of forms a cross? That was engineered as a 368-meter-tall “fuck you” to the anti-religious East German government. If a subtle, shiny cross is what passes as humor in countries with government-sponsored religion, I think we all see the desperate need to keep the two separate.

My second day in Berlin was, actually, the anniversary of the wall being torn down. There’s still a 1.3 kilometer stretch of it standing (I know, this is the second time I’ve measured something in metric. I don’t feel like doing the conversion) which serves as an open-air art museum. The government first commissioned artists to paint it in 1990, then again in 2000. Graffiti covers a lot of it now, so I’m hoping they plan to repaint it again. If you’re wondering who would stupid and arrogant enough to graffiti over the art on what remains of the Berlin Wall, it’s people like these two jackasses:


Unfortunately, this is about the time a rainstorm rolled in, seriously hampering my sightseeing ability. It takes a lot to force me to go looking for shelter, but I hurried to my next stop. Unfortunately, a bombed-out church doesn’t provide a lot of shelter. The rest of my jaunt was a bit damp and chilly. I guess one benefit to short daylight hours is that an afternoon rainstorm doesn’t cut that much time off your available sightseeing.

Following a relaxing morning stroll along the river (relaxing except for my giant, heavy backpack), I was on the train back to Copenhagen. My next trip will be to Milan and I’ve decided to buy an article of clothing so I can say, “oh, I got that in Milan.” Any suggestions on what to get would be highly appreciated.

Shining Nuggets of Wisdom

OK, I realize I promised in my first post that I would only use this forum to discuss my travels and I would shy away from megalomania in the form of detailing the minutiae of my day-to-day life. I haven’t traveled in the past week and a half, but I also haven’t written anything here and I’m starting to get the shakes. So I’m just going to write some travel advice accompanied by mostly unrelated photos. If you feel like reading, I’m flattered. If not, then I hope you can be patient until I travel again (Berlin next week, so I’ll be back to my traditional nation-mocking soon).

While I’m on the subject of my first post, does anyone remember my rant about how I hate the word blog? I believe my exact words were: “It sounds like something that someone who’s been smoking a pack a day for thirty years might hork out of their lungs.” Well, I have been validated. Jerry Seinfeld was on The Daily Show on November 1 (yes, I watch it from here) and, toward the end of the interview, said, “Is that worst new word of the culture? ‘Blog.’ It’s so unattractive. It’s like something that you spit up and it congeals and you kick dirt on it.” Now, if someone would be so kind as to give me my own TV show…

First, I’ll tackle how to pack your bags. People try to steal from you. Especially Italians. Every last one of them. Everyone knows how to avoid pickpockets (keep your wallet in your front pocket and put a mousetrap in your back pocket where your wallet should be. Take that, Luigi!). But, if you aren’t careful, someone might slash your bags and steal things, too. I know they make slash-proof bags. If you’re like me and don’t have a slash-proof bag, I recommend lining your bags with whatever slash-proof items you have with you. Shower shoes, books, et cetera. If you happen to be carrying any cast-iron cookware with you, that’d be ideal. At the very least, you’ll ensure that if your bags are slashed, they get the crappiest things you’re carrying. I don’t want to read Emotions, Advertising, and Consumer Choice and I’m in the class. Imagine how disappointed the guy who steals it will be.

Next, how to travel. Planes are overrated. Seriously, they suck. Yeah, I realize they’re necessary at times (such as getting from Seattle to Copenhagen), but if you’re just traveling around Europe, take the train. First, Airports are always out in the middle of nowhere and it takes a while to get from the airport to the city. Second, you have to go through security and the hassle of checking your bags and all that. Third, planes are just too fast sometimes. No matter where you fly within Europe, you aren’t going to be on that plane long enough to get a good night’s sleep. But on a night train (yes, I’m going to talk about these again) you can get a bed. And, also unlike a plane, you can get up and walk around. And I have yet to see a plane with a café onboard. Sure, you have to share a room with total strangers, but in my experience there’s only about an eighty percent chance you’ll be stuck with a snorer.

While I’m on the subject of night trains, though, make sure you have a reservation before you get on the train. If you don’t there’s a chance the train will be full and it doesn’t get much worse than trying to sleep on the floor of the bike room, using your bag as a pillow. Especially if you have that cast-iron cookware as the outer layer.

As for safety… well, if you’re used to America, you can always reassure yourself with the knowledge that the gun-related death rate is five to six times higher in America than in Europe. So just do what you normally do and you’re even safer than at home.

As for your manner of dress, there are a couple directions you can go. Most Europeans aren’t too hostile toward Americans (now that George Bush is as unpopular in the US as he is in Europe), but it’s still a good idea to not broadcast Americanness . First, you can try to blend in as a European, as demonstrated below:


1. The sweater should be tied around your neck. It’s just preposterous to put your arms in the sleeves.
2. The cell phone (“mobile”) should be used to send texts. Yes, it enables speaking in a conversational manner, but it shouldn’t be used to do so. Only send texts.
3. Solid-color leather shoes. The pointier the better.

Another option would be to disguise yourself as a Canadian. Nobody hates them, after all. Most of the time, when you claim to be Canadian, nobody believes you. But you can improve your odds of slipping by undetected by dressing like a Canadian, demonstrated here:


1. First, obviously, is the pairing of socks and sandals.
2. Long-sleeves, preferable flannel, should be retained even when the weather is warm enough to permit shorts.
3. Your facial expression should convey either good-natured friendliness or backwoods, cabin fever craziness.

There are a few subtle things which Americans fall prey to. There are three things wrong with the outfit pictured below. See if you can find them:


1. Nobody besides Americans wears digital watches. Either wear an analog watch or use your cell phone.
2. Running shoes are only worn while running. Remember the pointy leathers shoes I mentioned earlier.
3. My teeth are far too clean by European standards. I recommend smearing them with butter or a mixture of mayonnaise and Dijon mustard before venturing out into public.

I hope you’ve found this helpful and informative. Happy travels.