Shining Nuggets of Wisdom

OK, I realize I promised in my first post that I would only use this forum to discuss my travels and I would shy away from megalomania in the form of detailing the minutiae of my day-to-day life. I haven’t traveled in the past week and a half, but I also haven’t written anything here and I’m starting to get the shakes. So I’m just going to write some travel advice accompanied by mostly unrelated photos. If you feel like reading, I’m flattered. If not, then I hope you can be patient until I travel again (Berlin next week, so I’ll be back to my traditional nation-mocking soon).

While I’m on the subject of my first post, does anyone remember my rant about how I hate the word blog? I believe my exact words were: “It sounds like something that someone who’s been smoking a pack a day for thirty years might hork out of their lungs.” Well, I have been validated. Jerry Seinfeld was on The Daily Show on November 1 (yes, I watch it from here) and, toward the end of the interview, said, “Is that worst new word of the culture? ‘Blog.’ It’s so unattractive. It’s like something that you spit up and it congeals and you kick dirt on it.” Now, if someone would be so kind as to give me my own TV show…

First, I’ll tackle how to pack your bags. People try to steal from you. Especially Italians. Every last one of them. Everyone knows how to avoid pickpockets (keep your wallet in your front pocket and put a mousetrap in your back pocket where your wallet should be. Take that, Luigi!). But, if you aren’t careful, someone might slash your bags and steal things, too. I know they make slash-proof bags. If you’re like me and don’t have a slash-proof bag, I recommend lining your bags with whatever slash-proof items you have with you. Shower shoes, books, et cetera. If you happen to be carrying any cast-iron cookware with you, that’d be ideal. At the very least, you’ll ensure that if your bags are slashed, they get the crappiest things you’re carrying. I don’t want to read Emotions, Advertising, and Consumer Choice and I’m in the class. Imagine how disappointed the guy who steals it will be.

Next, how to travel. Planes are overrated. Seriously, they suck. Yeah, I realize they’re necessary at times (such as getting from Seattle to Copenhagen), but if you’re just traveling around Europe, take the train. First, Airports are always out in the middle of nowhere and it takes a while to get from the airport to the city. Second, you have to go through security and the hassle of checking your bags and all that. Third, planes are just too fast sometimes. No matter where you fly within Europe, you aren’t going to be on that plane long enough to get a good night’s sleep. But on a night train (yes, I’m going to talk about these again) you can get a bed. And, also unlike a plane, you can get up and walk around. And I have yet to see a plane with a café onboard. Sure, you have to share a room with total strangers, but in my experience there’s only about an eighty percent chance you’ll be stuck with a snorer.

While I’m on the subject of night trains, though, make sure you have a reservation before you get on the train. If you don’t there’s a chance the train will be full and it doesn’t get much worse than trying to sleep on the floor of the bike room, using your bag as a pillow. Especially if you have that cast-iron cookware as the outer layer.

As for safety… well, if you’re used to America, you can always reassure yourself with the knowledge that the gun-related death rate is five to six times higher in America than in Europe. So just do what you normally do and you’re even safer than at home.

As for your manner of dress, there are a couple directions you can go. Most Europeans aren’t too hostile toward Americans (now that George Bush is as unpopular in the US as he is in Europe), but it’s still a good idea to not broadcast Americanness . First, you can try to blend in as a European, as demonstrated below:


1. The sweater should be tied around your neck. It’s just preposterous to put your arms in the sleeves.
2. The cell phone (“mobile”) should be used to send texts. Yes, it enables speaking in a conversational manner, but it shouldn’t be used to do so. Only send texts.
3. Solid-color leather shoes. The pointier the better.

Another option would be to disguise yourself as a Canadian. Nobody hates them, after all. Most of the time, when you claim to be Canadian, nobody believes you. But you can improve your odds of slipping by undetected by dressing like a Canadian, demonstrated here:


1. First, obviously, is the pairing of socks and sandals.
2. Long-sleeves, preferable flannel, should be retained even when the weather is warm enough to permit shorts.
3. Your facial expression should convey either good-natured friendliness or backwoods, cabin fever craziness.

There are a few subtle things which Americans fall prey to. There are three things wrong with the outfit pictured below. See if you can find them:


1. Nobody besides Americans wears digital watches. Either wear an analog watch or use your cell phone.
2. Running shoes are only worn while running. Remember the pointy leathers shoes I mentioned earlier.
3. My teeth are far too clean by European standards. I recommend smearing them with butter or a mixture of mayonnaise and Dijon mustard before venturing out into public.

I hope you’ve found this helpful and informative. Happy travels.